I wrote this before #MeToo and have revisited to update to address current events. 

Friday before an American holiday to kick off summer, I grab Esquire magazine from the mailbox, pour some white wine and make myself comfortable on the back yard deck. I have always loved reading men’s magazines. Yes, interesting stories! The first one I came across was a Q&A with Woody Allen. I enjoy his interviews. He is fresh, funny and makes sure to solidify his hypochondriac behaviors which is always a joy for me to see in others.

As I begin chuckling at the Woody Allen interview, I abruptly stop reading.

Even if a court cannot prove he had wrongdoing, he married his step-daughter that was very young.

As it happens, today the celebrity gossip news is abuzz with Johhny Depp’s wife, Amber Heard. Not only is she filing for divorce during the week of his mother’s death (right there – how insensitive, we think!), but she also files a restraint on her husband based on verbal and physical abuse with evidence.

And people share: was he driven to insanity because she’s younger, dated women, his equal and he couldn’t handle it? Let’s make this clear: NO ONE deserves abuse or fear. After more of the story has come out and he lost in court regardless of his publicists and lawyers that attempted to cover up his well-known drug and alcohol abuse because he is so adored, I am truly repulsed that it is in our nature to assume and judge. Bottom line: the ‘only’ business we have is to feel sympathy for the person abused and stop reading the gossip that makes money. We may or may not find out the truth that one or the other is lying or there is something in the middle but if anyone is physically, mentally or verbally excused, there is ground-zero excuses.

Back to Woody Allen. Everyone knows he is eccentric and that is what is so great about his movies. Anyone that makes us laugh has to have redeeming qualities, right? I admit, as I former clarinet player, I thought about going to see his show at Elaine’s in NYC.

We have all heard the stories. Not only did he marry his wife’s child, which can maybe be explained over time considering the marriage has lasted but now we hear his daughter has told her story over and over that he physically abused her. Do we simply ignore? Do we take the stance that he hasn’t been convicted, so until proven otherwise in court we will not judge?

And there is Chris Brown. Didn’t Rhianna take him back after the restraining order was lifted? Was that a green light for other musicians and singers to collaborate with him? He was young and had personal issues, it was a one-off, right? Then why has he been arrested time and time again? Hey, I am just asking the questions.

And what none of us want to address: Michael Jackson. I would say 99.99% of the world population that knows his music and life history would say yes to this question: Do you think Michal Jackson was a bit odd? But then subsets of that question are where we potentially lie to ourselves and others to feel better when we get up and dance when ‘Rock with You’ comes on. We justify the facts and balance our actions with Well, that was the old Michael Jackson. Way before the [fill in the blanks] ruined him. I have read interviews with his children who you would love to believe as they stand by their father’s side. I then acknowledge in my head that he may have done very bad things but maybe his children really knew him? This is a losing case in my head. 

And then there is Bill Cosby. Maybe this is where we collectively came to the conclusion that he isn’t a good man. We did NOT want to believe he could drug all these women and take advantage of them sexually, but as each woman came forward to tell their story, the consistency and trauma were real. Why did we need really take the stories seriously until many women came forth? Safety in numbers?

Would we need 30+ women to come out against Woody Allen to take that situation seriously?

Artists make us happy. The accusations on some, I don’t know if they had bad intentions from childhood or if fame made them invincible. All I know is that I want to believe what I believe is the best in each person so I feel good when I enjoy their art, but the fact is – I don’t know. I am in public relations and know the stories that can be presented to make the worst person look like America’s sweetheart.

So when it comes to people in the public that have been linked with some type of assault on others, is it their likability’ they bring into our life – their music, movies, words – that make us, if only a tiny bit, justify some over others? If an artist or leader inspires us, makes us laugh, educates us, helps us feel in the good way and forget our problems – and you find out they are a fundamentally terrible person, what do you feel? I think what we do comes after what you feel.

What is my role in punishing these people if they were in the wrong?  And can I make a collective difference in society? Or are these the wrong questions to even ask?

God tells us not to judge – but we know we shouldn’t support bad behavior, especially if it brings fear and pain and humiliation to others. And by support, I mean – do we refuse to listen to music, watch movies, view art or read books by these people who have wronged others?

What is our duty to ourselves, society and the search for truth?

We hate terrorists that blow up people. Instantly we hate them and know they are in the wrong. We don’t need testimonies or a court to tell us they are bad. We have visual proof of pain.

Is that the problem we have? If we don’t have visual proof, do we instantly need to know what led up to the ‘abuse event’ and think we need to know how we feel or react or what side to take in an instant?  So under pressure, we give our opinion and we feel we can’t change our minds? Can we blame the media for confusing us so much that we can’t possible know the truth and ‘take sides’?

That’s basically what it comes down to – taking sides. Having an opinion and sticking with what’s right in our mind if we feel that person has wronged others.

All I know for sure is this: when a Chris Brown song comes on the radio, I instantly turn the station. And I feel good about myself.